


Grumpy Tales

by themrp123



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Arin is a Princess, Brian is a fairy godmother, Comedy, Dan is a Princess, Fairy Tale Retellings, M/M, This is trash, childhood ruined, i am trash, kings are dicks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-07-28 15:10:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7646068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themrp123/pseuds/themrp123
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These are some retellings of fairy tales, featuring my OTP - Egobang - and the other Grumps. Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rapunzel

**Author's Note:**

> Why hello there! Thanks for deciding to read this childhood destroyer! If you enjoyed 'Just Across The Hall'... this won't make you cry, but I'm proud of it. Even though it's shit. It's good shit though. I think. Enjoy my trashiness, I love you!

Once upon a time, in a faraway land where the hills were green, the taverns were dim, and the women were big-breasted, there was a tower. It was a very tall, sturdy stone tower with an interestingly phallic shape. Inside the oddly penis-shaped tower lived a young man named Daniel.

Dan was slender and pale, with pretty brown eyes and a darling smile. And his hair! He had gorgeous hair - it was curly and chestnut brown, and it was seventy feet long. Because, you see, he’d been imprisoned in the tower since he was a baby by an old woman named Suzy. There was a horrible lack of scissors in the tower, so he’d never had his obnoxious hair cut. By now, it was practically sentient.

Dan spent his days gazing out the window at the distant kingdom of Beejonia (it truly was an unfortunate name), wishing he could leave the tower. He’d tried everything he could to escape, but Suzy always caught him. Sometimes Dan would sing, and his lonely voice would summon curious birds and squirrels, just like any good Disney princess's did.

* * *

 

In the kingdom of Beejonia, there lived a young student named Arin. Arin was robust and handsome and quite gay. He was very skilled with a sword, both in battle and in bed. He spent his days training to become a knight, and when he wasn’t training, he was at the taverns or porking some dude. 

On one such day, Arin was seated alone at a corner table in the very dim tavern, sipping ale in a dusty tankard and humming along to the song the tavern’s bard was currently banging out on his drum. The bard was kinda hot. Arin had made out with him for a while behind the bar once.

“Arin!” 

The knight student’s head shot up at the call of his name. He found the source quickly - his friend Barry, a fellow knight student. Arin’s mouth stretched into a grin and he waved.

Barry made his way to Arin’s table and plopped down across from him, shouting “Ale!” at the bartender. Arin had made out with the bartender too. On the same day he made out with the bard.

“How are you on this fine day? Found the lost prince yet?” Arin punctuated his joke with a sip from his tankard.

“Daniel? Nah. That kid’s been missing for eighteen years.” Barry shrugged.

“I’m eighteen,” Arin stated without emotion.

“Fantastic. Anyway, I was wondering if you’d like to go hunting with me as soon as you finish your damn ale. I’m heading south to the hills.”

Arin looked up, interested. “Never mind my damn ale. Let’s go now!” He’d always wanted to go to those hills. He'd been looking out at them from his window at knight school for years, wondering what was out there.

Arin tossed a few gold coins on the table and he and Barry cleared out of the tavern, heading to the knight school stable. Arin chose his favorite mount, a trusty brown war horse named Slurmp (it really was an unfortunate name). Barry chose a slightly shorter, browner horse named Buntd (also an unfortunate name). They grabbed iron swords and started off towards the hills on horseback.

* * *

 

Meanwhile, Dan was again sitting in his window, singing a made-up song about the sky. He didn’t know if he was even a very good singer, since he didn’t have anything to compare his voice to, but he assumed it was okay because it didn’t make him want to cover his ears.

His sweet voice faintly reached the ears of Arin and Barry as they rode closer to the hills where the penis tower was tucked away.

“Do you hear that?” Arin asked. “It sounds like someone singing.”

Barry listened. “You’re right. Do you want to go check it out? I want to go try to catch some animals. While I do that, you can find that voice.”

“Sounds good.” The knights high-fived and rode off in opposite directions.

Slurmp cantered across the hills, getting closer and closer to the sound. As they neared the voice, Arin determined that it was male, tenor, and beautiful.

Dan continued singing, his song shifting to be about getting rescued by a knight from afar. He thought he saw a horse cantering closer to the tower, but he wasn’t completely sure.

Arin rode closer and closer until he saw what would be considered the tip of the penis tower, and then he rode closer.

“That is one uncomfortably shaped tower,” Arin commented to himself. Then he looked up and saw someone in the window.

“Hello?” Arin called up to the someone in the window.

The singing immediately stopped, and the someone in the window looked down at Arin.

“Hello there!” The someone called.

The someone was the most beautiful someone Arin had ever seen. The someone was Daniel.

“Your voice is beautiful!” Arin called up to Dan.

“Thank you, sir!” Dan responded. “Who are you?”

“My name’s Arin! I’m a knight from Beejonia!”

“That’s neat! I’m Daniel! I like to sing!”

Arin could see that Dan had considerably long hair - he wasn’t sure exactly how long it was, but there was definitely some there. “Daniel, O Daniel, let down your hair!?”

Dan chuckled and swept his very long hair out the window. It tumbled down like a waterfall, ending five feet off the ground.

“I hope this doesn’t hurt you too bad!” Arin called. He dismounted Slurmp, grasped Dan’s hair with an exclamation of “Gross!” (it felt like a combination of matted fur and algae) and started climbing.

“Ow, ow, ow…” Dan flinched every time Arin climbed another foot or so.

After much climbing and agony, Arin was in Dan’s tower. 

“Are you my knight in shining armor?” Dan asked, mystified by Arin’s beauty.

“You could say that, if it means I get to plow you,” Arin said.

Dan laughed a youthful laugh. “I don’t know what that means.”

“You’ll see later. Anyway…” They sat in the windowsill together. “How long have you lived here?”

“Eighteen years. My whole life,” Dan said. 

“That long? Wow. Have you ever even talked to anyone before?”

“Just Suzy. She’s this old woman who keeps me here. I’m kinda stuck. I mean… she’s not here right now, but there’s no way I could get out - the door locks from the outside, and no one ever comes out here.”

“That sucks, man. You’re so beautiful - your beauty deserves to be shared with the world. It’d be a service to humanity.”

“I’m beautiful?” Dan sounded surprised.

“So beautiful in fact that I want to have sex with you right now,” Arin said casually.

“Sex?” Dan tilted his head curiously. “What’s that?”

“You’ll see.” Arin grinned devilishly. “So…” Then his eyes widened. Suddenly the pieces had snapped together. Daniel. Eighteen years. Hidden away in a tower, never gone outside.

_ The missing prince. _

“Whoa. You’re him. You’re the lost prince of Beejonia!” Arin grasped Dan’s hand.

“What? I don’t think so.” Dan looked confused. “I’m no prince. I’m just a common boy.”

“No way. You’ve gotta be him! I’m sure the king and queen would recognize you. We’ve gotta go back to Beejonia! But first -”

Without warning, Arin grabbed Dan’s face and pressed their lips together. Dan didn’t know what was going on, but he liked it. Arin’s mouth was warm and wet and tasted like something brusque that Dan had never tasted. He liked it. He liked it a lot. 

Arin struggled with the ties on Dan’s tunic but eventually managed to slide it off of his body. Arin admired the snow-white expanse of skin that had been revealed to him with a hungry licking of his lips. “Ready for the most amazing thing you’ve ever experienced?”

“I have no idea what’s happening, but I’d very much like you to do it,” Dan said innocently.

His cries of pleasure could be heard across the hills. All the birds and squirrels gathered at the window curiously, then abruptly averted their eyes and backed away.

* * *

 

On the ride back to Beejonia, Dan rode behind Arin, his hair piled on top of his head in an enormous bun to avoid tripping Slurmp. Dan gripped Arin’s waist, ready for adventure after that amazing roll in the hay, and Arin gave Slurmp a kick. The horse whinnied and began to gallop across the hills and plains, carrying Dan and Arin home.

When they clattered onto the cobblestone streets of town, Arin rode Slurmp right up to the castle. He had blown the guards at the front gate several times, so nowadays they let Arin in whenever he needed to speak with any of the castle dwellers.

Arin slid off of Slurmp’s back and gently lifted Dan down from the horse. Arin handed Slurmp’s reins to one of the guards, who dutifully brought the sweaty horse to the royal stable. The other guard squeezed Arin’s ass as he passed and winked.

Dan clutched Arin’s arm with a death grip, looking simultaneously amazed and terrified as they entered the castle. It was so grand, made of stone and full of fine carpets, tapestries, suits of armor, and family crests.

Arin led Dan to the throne room, where King Ross and Queen Holly sat upon golden thrones, looking as weathered as usual. 

“Your Majesties,” Arin addressed them, bowing low, his nose nearly touching the crimson carpet. “I have brought you your missing son.”

“Daniel?” Holly looked hopefully at Dan, who stood awkwardly before them all, looking confused but interested.

“Hi,” he said nervously.

“I’d know those eyes anywhere,” said Ross, standing up. “This boy is my son!”

“Mother? Father?” Recognition was gleaming in Dan’s dark eyes, and he smiled and ran into his father’s open arms. 

Arin smiled as the family group-hugged. When the king and queen had finally released their son, Ross moved towards Arin, smiling. 

“Good sir knight, whatever you want, it’s yours. You deserve it as thanks for bringing our son back.” He held out a hand for Arin to shake.

“Actually, all I want is to marry your son. If that’s okay,” Arin said, not thinking for a moment that that might not be the most appropriate request.

Ross looked to Dan. “Would you want that, son?”

“Yes, Father! I love Arin very much!” Dan ran to Arin and threw his arms around him, making Arin laugh.

“You have my blessing,” King Ross said with a smile.

Dan kissed Arin right there in the Beejonia castle throne room.

The two were married the next morning, and they all lived happily ever after. The end.


	2. Cinderella

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arin is Cinderella, Dan is a prince, Brian is a fairy godmother. Enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I'm much happier with this chapter than I was with the Rapunzel chapter, so I hope it's better. It starts out somber and boring and evolves into funny and cute, so I hope you enjoy!

Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Strokonia, there lived a kind man named Barry. He lived with his wife Suzy in a modest home. Barry and Suzy were very poor but very happy together, and they had a son - Arin - who was the most fabulous boy in the entire kingdom (but nobody knew that, because he only wore his best dresses on out-of-town trips).

One day, when Arin was sixteen years old, Suzy became ill with the black plague. Sadly, Suzy died five days after she had sickened, and Barry’s heart broke. Arin cried and cried, Barry cried and cried, and they knew that nothing would ever be the same. 

Barry married a woman named Antagonista, who's name wasn't very far from the truth and made the author's laziness very apparent. Antagonista had two daughters, both named Holly for some reason (possibly the author's laziness again). The three women were beautiful, but they were cruel and mean. Of course, Barry only married Antagonista because she was rich and he had no choice. 

Holly and Holly bullied Arin relentlessly. One of them stole Arin’s room, and he was forced to sleep in a closet. The girls discovered that Arin was very skilled at sewing dresses for himself, and they would steal his creations and keep them for themselves. Arin wore the plainest dress he could think of, a drab brown mess. The Hollys didn’t want that one.

After a year of being married to Antagonista, Barry died of 'unknown causes'. But, when the doctor declared him dead, Antagonista smirked and there was a visible glint in her eyes. What a bitch.

With Barry out of the way, Antagonista could force Arin to do all of the housework. And that’s exactly what she did - she made Arin clean everything, cook everything, and do everything, and wouldn’t let him leave for more than ten minutes. 

It was a difficult life, but Arin kept it as cheerful as he could by sewing and drawing. He dreamed of one day leaving this house and going somewhere far away, once he had enough money.

While Arin was living the life of a slave, the prince of Strokonia was living the life of a prisoner.

Prince Daniel had everything he could ever dream of - fluffy pillows, countless well-made garments, meals that could feed five armies. But he hated it. All he really needed, he thought, was a roof over his head, something to cover his body, something to eat, songs to sing, and somebody to share those simple things with. He gave the majority of his meals to the servants while his dad wasn’t looking, only wore a fraction of the clothes he’d been given, and spent a lot of time outside, just wandering the castle grounds and singing.

His father thought his son’s behavior was unreasonable. “You should show gratitude for what you’re given, Daniel,” he told him one day when they were eating lunch.

Dan responded gently, “I am grateful, father. But I don’t need anything more.”

“You need something more. A wife,” the king told him sternly. “It’s about time we found you one.”

Dan ducked his head and was silent.  _ Sorry, dad. I’m gay. _

“How about we throw a ball at the palace this Friday and invite all the young ladies in the village and throw some young men into the mix so the rejects don’t feel too bad?” The King seemed very satisfied with this idea.

“That’s terrible, Dad!” Dan exclaimed, pushing his chair back from the table. “How can you talk about women that way!?” The nineteen-year-old ran off before his dad could respond.

* * *

 

Of course, the King threw the ball anyway.

A messenger came to the door of Antagonista’s house to inform her of the ball and tell her to bring any daughters she may have.

“Holly? Holly? One of you is going to be a princess before we know it!” Antagonista cried once the messenger had left. 

The girls came out of their bedrooms, eager for details. Arin snuck out of his closet to listen.

“This Friday, there’s going to be a ball at the castle, and the three of us are going. Prince Daniel is looking for a wife!”

The Hollys squealed excitedly and started babbling to each other, trying to decide what to wear.

Arin emerged quietly from the shadows. “May I go to the ball, Stepmother?”

“You?” Antagonista laughed coldly. “Absolutely not. You’ll be scrubbing these clean floors and dusting the new vases while we’re gone.”

Arin lowered his head and retreated back to his room. The minute he shut the door, a plan started forming in his mind. He plopped down at his sewing machine and got to work.

* * *

 

The night of the ball finally came, and Prince Daniel was sweating through his stiff white suit, wishing to don comfy clothes and go anywhere else besides the massive throne-turned-ball room right now.

“You look quite handsome, my son. I’m sure you’ll find a wife by the end of the night!” The King clapped Daniel on the back and took a seat on his throne to spectate.

Meanwhile, Arin was leaving his closet room, all dolled up and ready to show his stepsisters what he’d created.

Arin strutted into the main room, where Holly, Holly, and Antagonista were preparing to leave. 

“Look at me! See?” Arin twirled in the pink satin dress he’d made for the dance. “I can go too, right?”

The three women stared at him for a few seconds before they burst into cruel laughter.

“You look ridiculous! What kind of boy wears dresses, anyway?” One of the Hollys reached out and grabbed at Arin’s dress, catching hold of the hem and pulling.

“Hey! Stop that!” Arin tried to get away, but now both Hollys were ripping at his dress, destroying his beautiful work of art. 

By the time they were done and leaving him behind on their way to the ball, Arin was wearing rags.

Sobbing, Arin ran out of the house and into the back garden, where he sometimes went to escape the house for just a few minutes. He threw himself into a flower bed and cried as loudly as he wanted to, feeling totally worthless.

Behind him, there was a loud pop. 

Arin sat up hurriedly and turned around, distracted momentarily from his sadness, and saw a man in his early forties standing there in a shimmering black robe, holding a wand and staring at him with a look of mild annoyance.

“Why are you crying, Arin?” The bearded man asked in a flat voice.

“I- I- I can't go to the b-ball,” Arin sobbed. 

“To hell with that,” the man said, sounding disinterested.

“W-Who the fuck are you?” Arin asked, his sadness again forgotten for a moment.

“I’m Brian. I’m your fairy godmother, bitch.”

“What are you gonna do?” Arin asked.

“This.” Brian waved his wand above Arin’s head. “Abra-ka-fucking-dabra.”

There was a flash, the ragged Arin that had been standing there a split second before was now a stunning Arin.

Arin’s torn-up dress had become a sparkling white gown that cascaded all the way to his ankles and made him feel like a princess. His hair had been smoothed and was piled on top of his head in an elegant updo, his makeup was done, and he looked like the kind of girl all the guys would fall for.

On his feet were a pair of adorable high heels - probably like four inches high - that were made entirely of glass.

“There. Go to the fucking ball.” Brian nodded at a glistening pink carriage hitched to a team of white horses. None of it had been there a few seconds ago. 

“Thank you, Brian! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Arin cried happily.

“Hug me and I’ll stab you thirty-seven times in the chest,” Brian said without inflection. “Oh yeah, and get your ass back here by midnight. After midnight, you stop being a princess. Got it?”

“Got it. Thank you!”

“Now go.” Brian threw down a smoke bomb and disappeared.

* * *

 

Daniel hated everything about this.

Every girl there thought they were the one for him, and they all just _ weren’t _ . They were all perfectly nice people, of course, but Dan just didn’t want to be with any of them. Because he was  _ gay _ , for Christ’s sake!

“Have you found anyone yet, son?” The King asked when Dan happened to pass by him.

“No.” Dan started to shake his head, but then his eye caught a flurry of movement at the door. He looked over and saw the most beautiful human being he’d ever laid eyes on standing in the doorframe, looking dazed. 

“I’ll be right back,” Dan murmured, not taking his eyes off of the beauty in the doorway. He was already on his way over.

Whoever it was was even more radiant up close. The person looked like a girl, but Dan wasn’t sure.

The person was Arin, but how could Dan possibly know that?

“Excuse me,” he said, hoping he hadn’t messed up any syllables.

“Oh, hello,” Arin shyly replied.

“I’m Prince Daniel. I couldn’t help but notice you. You look dazzling, my dear.” Dan held out his hand with a smile.

“Thanks! It’s nice to meet you.” Arin meekly placed his hand in Dan’s, and Dan pressed his lips to the pale, soft skin of Arin’s hand.

Dan looked up into friendly doe eyes and felt himself become entranced.

“Wanna dance?” Dan asked.

“Why the hell not!” Arin’s shyness melted away, and he allowed Dan to pull him to the dance floor with a game smile.

The two began to waltz exuberantly, and there was something about the way they moved together that made them feel like they were walking (waltzing?) on the same wavelength.

“You’re a great dancer!” Dan complimented Arin.

“Thanks, man. You too!”

Dan pulled Arin closer, pressing his hand to Arin’s back. “Forgive me for asking, but what do you identify as?”

Arin blushed. “I’m a guy. I grew up wearing dresses though, and figured, well, why should I stop if they make me feel like a princess, which I like?”

“Fuck yeah!” Dan found himself exclaiming. “You fucking go! That’s such an awesome attitude!” He leaned closer, and, lips brushing Arin’s ear, whispered, “If you married me, you’d be a princess every day, no matter what you decide to wear.”

Arin blushed. “I suppose that’s technically true. Would you make me feel like a princess?”

“Baby, I’d call you ‘princess’ if you wanted me to.”

“So this is love,” Arin said with a grin.

The boys danced and danced, having the time of their life, and they chatted, enjoying each other’s company. Arin felt like he had just met the one fate had intended him to find, and Dan felt like he’d won the fucking lottery.

When they got tired, Dan took Arin’s hand and led him outside into the royal gardens. They strolled throughout the gorgeous blooms and flawlessly pruned hedges, mostly silent, appreciating the cool breeze and the crisp night air.

Dan sat down on a stone bench that overlooked a fountain, gently pulling Arin down next to him and putting an arm around his shoulders.

“I’m having a lot of fun with you tonight,” Dan said seriously.

“I’m having fun too. Thank you so, so much!” Arin snuggled his head into Dan’s shoulder.

“I think I might be in love with you.”

Arin looked up into Dan’s eyes, surprised. “You mean that?”

Dan nodded, smiling. “In fact, I’m sure I’m in love with you. You make me feel free.”

“Well, you make me feel like princess,” Arin said, making Dan chuckle.

Once Dan’s laughter had quieted, he set a hand on Arin’s cheek and started to lean in.

_ OhmygoshohmygoshohmygoshwhatdoIdoshitshitshit _ , Arin thought.

_ BONG! _

The clang sounded right before their lips met, and Arin’s head jerked up to check the clock.

11:50.

“Shit! I - I’ve gotta go! This was great, thank you! Sorry!” Arin reluctantly leaped up and started running.

“Wait! I didn’t even get your name!” Daniel started running after Arin, determined not to lose his one true love.

As Arin was racing down the steps of the castle, he felt one shoe slip off his foot. He didn’t go back for it. He couldn’t. He just kept running towards his carriage that was waiting for him outside.

Dan stopped on the stairs to pick up the shoe. He clutched it to his chest and fought back tears.

* * *

 

It was a noisy breakfast the next morning.

Holly, Holly, and Antagonista were discussing the dance in loud tones that verged on screeching, while Arin listened silently and picked at his eggs.

“There was this girl in a white dress that the prince danced with all night!” One of the Hollys screamed.

“I saw her! I was totally prettier!” Squealed the other Holly.

The doorbell's ringing cut off the girls’ bubbly conversation, and Antagonista stood to answer it.

It was a royal messenger.

“Hello, miss. You have a son, is that correct?” The messenger questioned Antagonista.

She wrinkled her nose as if the messenger was talking about something repulsive. “Stepson. He’s nothing special. You don’t want to see him.”

“But Prince Daniel requested I try to fit this shoe on the foot of every young man in the kingdom,” the messenger fretted, holding up a high-heeled glass shoe.

Antagonista started to shut the door.

“I have a warrant.”

“Come in!”

The messenger entered the small house and looked around for any stepsons.

“I’m the stepson, sir,” Arin muttered, standing up.

The messenger looked the dress-clad Arin up and down and laughed. “You? Alright.” He sounded skeptical that Arin was even a boy. 

Arin rolled his eyes as the messenger knelt, holding out the shoe. Arin easily slipped his foot into it. It fit perfectly.

“HOLY SHIT!” Everyone in the room besides Arin shouted.

Arin rolled his eyes again. “This is my shoe. I wore it at the ball last night.”

Everyone’s mouths fell open.

“Come with me.” The messenger grabbed Arin’s hand and pulled him outside.

* * *

 

Dan was eating his way through his entire Skittles stash to deal with his anxiety when the messenger pulled Arin through the door of the castle.

“PRINCE DANIEL! I FOUND HIM!” The messenger yelled. His call echoed throughout the halls like a klaxon, summoning the pajama-clad Dan to the throne room, where the plain-ass Arin stood in his dirty brown dress, one foot bare and the other wearing a glass shoe.

Dan almost couldn’t believe it. He took a step towards Arin and looked into his eyes. 

“Those are the eyes I remember,” Dan said with a grin. “You’re him, aren’t you? You're my princess.”

Arin smiled. “I’m Arin. You never did get my name, did you?”

“I didn’t! You're right!” Dan threw his arms around Arin, lifting him off the ground with a cry of excitement. “I love you, Arin!”   


“And I love you, Dan!” Arin took Dan’s face in his hands and kissed him best he could with no knowledge whatsoever of how to kiss. Everyone else in the throne room politely averted their eyes.

* * *

 

Daniel and Arin were married a few days later. Arin wore a stunning white gown, even grander than the one he’d worn at the ball, and Dan wore a white outfit that was really fucking comfortable. 

As the two were scampering down the stairs heading to the white carriage ready to whisk them away on a honeymoon to anywhere, Arin lost one of his pearly white shoes. Dan, laughing, picked it up and slid it back onto Arin’s foot. Without warning, Arin swept Dan up into his arms and carried him bridal style to the carriage, causing the crowd that had gathered in the streets to watch the marriage and Dan and Arin themselves to laugh.

The prince and the new princess waved to the crowds as the carriage started it’s procession out of Strokonia. As the cobblestone street of the city faded into the dirt path of the country, Dan pressed his lips to Arin’s, and they all lived happily ever after. The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I love you very very very much! Farewell!


	3. Sleeping Beauty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arin and Dan have a lot of sex, I guess. Oh and Dan falls asleep, Ross turns into a dragon, Arin kills Ross, and Vernon, Holly, and Brian are fairies. Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! This chapter was SO much fun to write! I hope it's fun to read, too. Arin's slutiness is not as front-n-center as it was in Rapunzel, but it sure does exist. At least, he bones Dan a lot. I hope you all love this chapter!

Once upon a time, in a random kingdom nestled somewhere in the middle of nowhere (with a name that the author mysteriously forgot to make up and so left out of the story),  there lived a king and queen. Their names were Barry and Suzy, and they were two of the most just, fair leaders in the unspecified country. 

In the midst of a beautiful May, right as the sun rose, Suzy gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. The baby already had a full head of curly brown hair and curious brown eyes that took in the world around him with excitement. The baby’s skin was pale, and his smile inspired “Awww”s out of all of the castle staff. It was as if the baby brought happiness and sunshine to the kingdom simply by existing. They named him Daniel.

To celebrate Daniel’s birth, King Barry and Queen Suzy held a party at the castle. They invited fellow royal families as well as a bunch of the poor citizens of their kingdom, just because. 

The party was a grand and joyous affair. Simply the presence of the baby boy made everything seem brighter, made everyone feel more jovial (or maybe it was the wine).

A neighboring royal family had recently had a baby son as well and named him Arin. Barry and Suzy promptly betrothed their son to Arin, so their kingdoms would always be in alliance.

With a pop and some colorful flashes of light, three fairies appeared in the center of the ballroom - Vernon, Holly, and Brian. A respectful hush fell over the crowd as the fairies approached the cradle where the baby prince lay with a smile on his pleasant face. Vernon turned to address the crowd. “We have come to bless this child with gifts!” Vernon announced, to thunderous applause.

Vernon turned back to Daniel and couldn’t help but emulate the smile on the child's face. “I bestow upon you, Daniel, the gift of beauty.” Vernon waved his hand over Daniel’s head, causing a little blue butterfly to land on his button nose. The baby laughed, and everyone felt their spirits lift.

Holly approached the baby. “I bestow upon you the gift of grace.” She waved her hand as well, and a red flower tumbled into Dan’s hair.

Brian stepped up to the child to bestow his gift (which would probably be eternal sexiness), but before he could, there was a loud clap of thunder, and the room grew dark. The guests screamed and ran to hide behind the tables as the darkness condensed into a swirling vortex at the center of the room. Barry and Suzy looked to each other. ‘Fuck,’ Barry mouthed. Suzy nodded in agreement. They both knew what was happening.

Out of the cyclone stepped a robed figure with spiraling demon horns upon his head. He had the cheekbones of a god and held a gnarled wooden staff with a raven sitting atop it. He was smirking.  _ Ross _ .

“How dare you not invite me to such festivities, Barry!? After all we’ve been through!” Ross’s angry voice boomed throughout the throne room as if it were amplified.

“Ross, you shouldn't be here!”

Ross ignored Barry and crossed the room to where Daniel lay.

“Stay away from him, Ross!” Barry yelled.

Ross cackled. “He should have been my son. Barry, I was in love with you! That should grant me access to your party, shouldn’t it?” 

“Please, don’t…” Barry pressed his fingers to his temples.

Ross turned to the baby, who was  _ still smiling _ . “I have come to bestow my own gift upon this child. Actually, fuck that. Before the sun sets on Daniel’s sixteenth birthday, he’ll prick his finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel, and that bitch’ll die.”

Barry gasped. “That’s fucked up, Ross!”

“I know, right?” Ross laughed. “But so am I. See ya!” 

He disappeared in a cloud of black smoke, his laughter still echoing around the ballroom.

The party guests eased gingerly from their hiding places, cautious. The fairies had been hiding as well, and they moved toward the child, who’s smile was busy brightening the room again.

“That bitch interrupted me,” Brian grumbled. “I was gonna bestow eternal sexiness upon this child, but I guess now I have to save him from this fuckin’ curse or whatever.” Brian waved his hand over the child. “Instead of dying, Dan’ll pass out like he’s had too much to drink, and only true love’s first kiss can wake him up. And we all know that true love is gonna be Arin, because everyone’s heard this story before.” 

Holly looked to King Barry, who’s face was pallid, likely from the stress of Ross's dropping by unannounced. “To keep Daniel safe, how about we bring him to our cottage in the woods until he turns seventeen?”

“Anything to keep our son safe.” Queen Suzy touched Holly’s hands. She lifted the ever-smiling Dan from his blankets and handed him to Holly. “Take good care of him.”

* * *

 

Years passed. The three fairies raised Dan to be a beautiful, kind young man who really liked wearing dresses and singing to forest creatures. He grew to be six-foot-two, practically too tall to fit in the cottage. The fairies had nicknamed him ‘Pine Tree’ for this reason.

It was the day of Dan’s birthday, and he was taking his daily wander through the forest while Vernon, Holly, and Brian prepared a little party for him (except they weren’t really very good at doing anything, so the party was destined to be a fucking disaster from the beginning). 

Dan twirled for no particular reason in his cute blue dress, enjoying the way the sun filtered through the leaves overhead, the way the breeze ruffled his hair. Dan started to sing. He was just so  _ happy _ today!

Little did Dan know, his betrothed, Arin, was also in the woods that day, hunting. Arin had grown into a handsome and very gay young man, and he’d just finished sucking off one of his hot hunting partners. Upon the breeze, he heard a sound more beautiful than any he’d ever heard before. It was someone singing in a lilting tenor.

Intrigued, Arin followed the sound. He eventually came upon a gorgeous, bushy-haired, tall gentleman in a blue dress who had no idea he was there - the source of the sound. 

Arin stepped into the daydreaming singer’s path, catching him in his arms, dipping him like they were professional tango dancers, and finishing the song in his own smooth baritone.

The shocked look on Dan’s face was so precious to Arin that he let out a little “Aw.” 

Dan had never seen another man his age ever in his life, and he was immediately frightened. He let out a little cry and struggled to get away.

“Hey, hey, calm down, man!” Arin rubbed Dan’s arm and lifted him to a standing position.

“Who are you!?” Dan demanded to know.

“I’m Arin. And you are?” Arin extended his hand, smiling.

“I’m Pine Tree. Nice to meet you.” Dan, still cautious, hesitated to place his hand in Arin’s, but he eventually decided to trust him. Dan set his hand in Arin’s, and instead of shaking it, Arin brought the hand to his lips and kissed the soft skin.

Dan blushed fiercely but said nothing.

Arin conspicuously devoured Dan’s body with his eyes. “You’re a total cutie. And your voice is gorgeous.” Arin set his hand on Dan’s back with a flirty smile.

“Um, thanks.” Dan’s blush deepened. “Y-You’re cute too, Arin.”

“Thanks,” Arin said. “How old are you?”

“I’m turning sixteen today, actually.” Dan was finding it difficult to speak with Arin’s hand pressing into the small of his back. He took an involuntary step towards Arin. 

“Whoa, man! Happy birthday!” Arin meant it.

“Thank you.” Dan smiled, completely relaxing.  _ I can trust Arin.  _ “Hey, there’s gonna be party at my house later! It’s gonna be #turnt… if my fairy friends manage to not fuck it all up,” Dan added with a laugh. “You should totally come. It won’t be too bad if you’re there.”

“Did you actually just describe something as #turnt?” Arin asked.

“Yes. Yes I did.”

“I’m in love with you.”

* * *

 

After a splendid fuck, Dan returned to the cottage with Arin in tow, both of them giggling.

“Vernon? Holly? Brian? I’m home! I’ve got a boy with me!” Dan called as he entered the house (he and Arin both had to duck to get through the door).

The three fairies were sitting at the table, all staring stubbornly at a lump of dough as if the heat of their combined glares could bake it into a cake. They looked up in unison, and their eyes practically popped out of their skull when they saw Arin.

“Get that boy out of here!” Vernon ordered.

“But I love him!” Dan cried, taking Arin’s hand.

“I will fucking stab you both if that boy isn’t outside in fifteen seconds,” Brian said calmly.

“Fine! Jeez, it’s like you guys don’t even want me to be happy!” Dan gently tugged Arin towards the door.

“What the fuck is up with those three?” Arin asked Dan once they were safely outside.

“They’re usually not like this. I don’t know what’s gotten into them.” Dan sighed. “I guess you have to go.”

“I’ll go… But I won’t forget about you.”

Dan kissed Arin. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Arin tucked a strand of Dan’s hair behind his ear. “And not just because you’re sexy as all hell.” (What he said was true; they’d chatted before having sex, and found that they really did love each other. Dan made Arin happy, Arin made Dan happy. They made each other laugh, they could talk about anything, Arin made Dan feel safe. It was perfect.) Arin kissed Dan’s forehead before starting off in the opposite direction. 

“Goodbye, my love!” Dan called after him.

“We’ll see each other again, I promise!” Arin waved until he was just a shadow in the distance.

The minute Dan reentered the cottage, he was about to scream at the fairies, but Holly started talking before he could.

“Pine Tree, we have to tell you something. Sit down.”

Dan sat.

Vernon cleared his throat. “Pine Tree, you’re already betrothed. Because you’re a prince. Your name is really Daniel, by the way. You’ve been betrothed to a prince from a neighboring kingdom.”

Dan gasped. “But I’m in love with Arin! I want to marry him, not some prince from wherever-the-hell!” He stood up so quickly that he knocked his chair over. He ran, sobbing, to his room.

Meanwhile, Arin, who had finally made it home, was asking his father about Dan.

“Father, I met a boy in the woods. And he was so beautiful and so kind… I fell in love with him. I think I want to marry him.”

“But you’re already betrothed to the prince from the neighboring kingdom, Arin. You won’t be marrying some peasant boy under my watch.”

* * *

 

Just before sunset, still on Dan’s birthday, he was lying in bed when he heard a voice.

_ Daniel _ , the voice called.  _ Prince Daniel. _

Dan shook his head, wondering if he was dreaming.

_ The castle, Daniel. Go to the castle. _

It was as if Dan’s feet had minds of their own as they stood him up and walked him out the door. He wanted to stop, he wanted to resist - but he felt like he couldn’t. The voice prodded him on, luring him all the way out of the woods and into the nearby kingdom’s castle (his birthplace, which he didn’t at all remember). 

_ Up the stairs, Daniel. _

Dan felt as if he was under a trance. He ascended the stairs, barely aware that he was doing it, and gradually lost more and more control of the way his body moved with each stair. 

_ Open the door, Daniel. _

At the top of the stairs was a large wooden door. Dan pushed it open without knowing he had, and entered the room. Inside of it was a spinning wheel that glinted in the orange sunset and a black-clad figure standing in the corner. Ross.

“Now touch that spindle.” Ross grinned. His plan had worked - Dan had listened to Ross’s voice in his head and had been lured here.

Dan extended his arm and pressed his pointer finger into the spindle.

As a single drop of crimson blood fell from his finger to his skirt, Dan felt very… sleepy… He collapsed to the floor in a heap, appearing dead as could be.

Ross’s triumphant cackle could be heard practically throughout the entire castle.

* * *

 

Fortunately, the three fairies found that Dan had left the cottage, and cast a spell to find where he'd gone. The spell told them to look in the castle (because spells can do everything).

Once in the castle, the fairies began calling for Dan. 

Ross answered them, descending the steps lazily. “He can’t hear you,” he called casually to the three fairies as he passed them on the stairs.

Vernon, Holly, and Brian looked at each other, knowing they must be too late. Brian pulled a handful of ninja stars from under his robe, nodding at Ross’s back with a questioning look on his face as if asking 'Can I kill him?'. Vernon and Holly hurriedly shook their heads.

The three fairies ascended the rest of the stairs and found Dan in his death-like sleep on the floor.

Vernon sighed. “Welp.”

Brian picked Dan up and threw him over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry without a word, bringing him up to the tallest tower of the castle, laying Dan down on the bed in there and arranging him so he looked peaceful and cute (to be more attractive to his true love, whenever said love decided to show up).

When Brian returned to the other two fairies at the base of the stairs, their eyes were wide.

“Why do you guys look like someone just got shot right before your eyes?” Brian asked them in a tone that suggested he didn’t really care whatsoever.

“Holly just figured out that the boy Dan brought into our cottage was Arin, Dan’s betrothed,” Vernon said.

“Well shit.” Brian smacked his forehead, his first real display of emotion in a long time.

Meanwhile, Arin was busy getting kidnapped by Ross .

“Why the hell am I here?” Arin asked angrily. When they'd made it to Ross's castle, he had tossed Arin easily into a cage that was literally made out of plastic. “And why doesn’t this cage have a real lock on it?”

“My minions are cheap-asses, okay?” Ross rolled his eyes. “And you’re here because you’re Dan’s true love, and if you find him asleep in the castle and make out with him, he’ll stop being asleep.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? You’re crazy!”

“What I mean is, that boy you met in the forest and fucked? That was Prince Daniel, your betrothed. And I put him under a curse that apparently was ruined because now instead of being dead he’s sleeping and he won’t wake up until his true love - a.k.a you - kisses him. So now I have you here, and you’ll never escape. Get wrecked, son.” With that, Ross disappeared into a cyclone of black smoke. What a savage.

Arin pushed on the door, and it opened. He walked out and started on his way to the castle Dan was imprisoned in, muttering, “That was easy.”

Ross was at the castle where Arin was headed, making a crazy-ass briar patch (that honestly kind of looked like Dan’s hair) in front.

“Now he’ll never get in!” Ross overdid a stereotypical evil laugh.

Maybe twenty minutes later, Arin was advancing, sword drawn. He started hacking at the briars and was already halfway to the castle’s main doors by the time Ross thought of an idea to keep this asshole out for good.

Ross closed his eyes tight and whispered a spell. He began to grow and grow until he was a badass black dragon standing in front of the castle. 

Arin stared up at the dragon, looking - well, totally fucked. “Shit,” Arin said.

Ross breathed a blast of flames at Arin, who immediately leapt out of the way and darted towards the dragon’s side, fighting to climb onto the dragon’s back. Ross tried to shake him off. But Arin had spent plenty of time riding guys, so Ross’s attempts to throw him were unsuccessful. 

Arin climbed up to the base of Ross’s long-ass neck and plunged his sword right into Ross’s heart. 

Ross roared in pain and fell to the ground, dead. 

Arin landed in an apex roll, gracefully getting to his feet and victoriously placing one foot on Ross’s head and holding aloft his sword. 

“What the hell are you doing, man!?” A voice - Vernon's - called from the main door of the castle.  The fairy was giving Arin a ‘what-the-fuck’ look.

“Sorry, I’ve just always wanted to do that! Okay, I’ll go save Dan now!” 

Arin climbed many, _many_ , **_many_** flights of stairs to get to the highest tower. By the time he entered Dan’s room, he was so out of breath that he had to sit on the edge of Dan’s bed and rest a minute. 

Arin observed the man below him. Dan truly was beautiful. The moonlight shone directly on his face, giving him a silvery glow. The blue shadow of the moon fell into Dan’s hair and settled beneath his sharp cheekbones. The expression on his face was peaceful and gentle, as if he were having a pleasant dream, and the barely-there smile was enough to set Arin’s heart aflutter.

“My God,” Arin whispered, even though Dan couldn’t hear him. “You’re gorgeous.”

He lowered his head and pressed his lips to Dan’s slightly parted ones. It felt weird for a second to be kissing him while he was practically dead, but in a second or two, Arin felt Dan kiss back.  _ So I guess he’s woken up. _

Arin straddled Dan, beginning to kiss him harder. As Dan’s hands gripped Arin’s waist, Arin tangled his fingers in Dan’s hair. Arin slipped his tongue into Dan’s mouth, and Dan moaned softly into the kiss.

They parted. They smiled at each other.

“I think I broke the curse,” Arin said.

“Conglaturation. Now fuck me,” Dan ordered. 

“Yes, Your Highness.”

* * *

The next day, Barry and Suzy, after getting their kid back, decided why not let Arin and Dan get married today? They'd already fucked twice, it was kind of necessary now.

So they were married, and they danced the night away. You interpret that however you want.

But I will say that they lived happily ever after. The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did that suck? That might've sucked. I'm sorry if it did. I love you all, thank you so much for reading! I don't know what the next one is going to be (leave me some suggestions in the comments?) and don't forget to recommend this story to people who like fairy tales and Egobang. I love you all so so so so much thank you!


	4. Aladdin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on the Disney movie. Not really a fairy tale, I guess, but I really wanted to write it after it was suggested by WoozleBucket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! First of all, I must thank WoozleBucket for suggesting this. It was SO much fun to write, I really like the way it turned out. I hope you guys like it!

Once upon a time, among the sparkling sands of the Agrumpbah Desert, there was an auburn-haired peddler with godly cheekbones, an Australian accent, and a lazy camel named Humphrey. The peddler’s smirk suggested he knew something that nobody else did. Maybe that was why nobody had bought the crappy oil lamp he had been trying to sell for years. They all thought he was shitting them when he told the story of the lamp.

According to the merchant, many years ago, in this very desert, there lived an evil vizier named Suzy and an equally evil parrot named Brian. The two were a sort of team, searching determinedly for the oil lamp. They eventually found where it was hidden - the “Cave of Wonders”, a giant cougar’s head thing hiding out in the dunes - and took a bumpy camel ride out to it to try and enter.

“Hey, Boss, you sure this is a good idea?” Brian the parrot asked from his master’s shoulder when he saw the cougar head-shaped cave towering above them, the dark opening yawning before them like an abyss.

“Have I ever had a bad idea?” Suzy asked rhetorically.

Brian just rolled his eyes.

Suzy dismounted her camel and strode confidently up to the cave opening, her dark robes swirling in the breeze. Before she could enter, a gust of wind from inside the cave hit her square in the face, and she stumbled back. The wind carried a booming voice that could probably be heard all the way in Agrumpbah City on the horizon.

“Who dares disturb my slumber?” The voice thundered, sounding like what you’d imagine a mountain’s voice to be, if they could talk. It was a deep, resonating sound with the power of a thousand talented baritones singing in four-part harmony.

“It is I, Suzy!” Suzy shouted without fear.

The voice roared. “Only the diamond in the rough may enter!”

“Who is this diamond in the rough?” Brian demanded to know.

“Daniel. Come back when you’ve found him.” With that, the cougar head collapsed into the sand as if it had never even existed.

“What do we do now?” Brian asked his boss.

Suzy’s eyes snapped. “We find Daniel, is what. And I bet we’ll find him in Agrumpbah City.”

* * *

 

She was right. Daniel had been living in Agrumpbah City his entire life, and wasn’t about to leave anytime soon.

Dan was a tall, handsome street rat with wild hair and a charming-enough smile to get him some free loaves of bread. And his only outfit didn’t involve a shirt (just an open purple vest, patched-up pants, and a badass red fez), so getting the female merchants to swoon over him and offer him free shit wasn’t too difficult. Life in Agrumpbah City was rough for Dan, but it could be rougher. 

Sometimes, after a particularly hard day, Dan would sit atop one of the town’s many buildings, hair streaming in the wind, and gaze at the castle at the center of town. It was a splendid building even in the dark of the night, and Dan couldn’t help but wonder what life would be like in there. He dreamed about comfy beds, all the food he could eat, a pet tiger, more than one outfit… But then he always woke up.

Little did Dan know that in that castle lived someone who was dying to get out.

* * *

 

Prince Arin had lived in the castle his whole life, and wanted desperately to escape.

His father, Barry, would be retiring from the throne soon, and Arin had to find a wife to rule by his side. There were three problems with this: 1. Arin was gay, 2. Barry didn’t know about it, and 3. Barry wouldn’t let him choose who to marry, and Arin wasn’t cool with that.

“I can’t believe you turned down another perfectly eligible girl!” Barry exclaimed to his son.

Arin didn’t say a word, just crossed his arms over his chest. Barry launched into a lecture, but Arin ignored him, formulating his plan of escape for that night. He was going to run away and experience life out in the city for a while. How bad could it be?

* * *

Apparently pretty bad.

The day Arin chose to run away to the city was the hottest, most humid day of the year, practically 200 degrees F, and it wasn’t a lot of fun at all.

Fortunately for Dan, most of the merchants were too busy fanning themselves to notice him stealing a watermelon or two. For him, today was the  _ best _ day of the year.

Right now, in fact, Dan was hanging out on the awning above a fruitstand, ready to swing down and snag a mango, when he saw someone under a dark hood looking totally lost. The stranger pulled back their hood and revealed a beautiful, round face with smooth chestnut hair and big brown eyes.

“Wow,” Dan whispered to himself, eyes fixed on the stranger. He was the most beautiful human being Dan had ever set eyes on.

A young poor boy who’s hands couldn’t quite reach the shelf was desperately reaching for an apple while the merchant’s back was turned. The stranger, seeing the boy’s struggle, grabbed an apple for him and placed it in the boy’s dusty hands with a kind smile.

Unfortunately for the stranger, the storeowner’s back had just un-turned.

Worried, Dan leapt with catlike grace to the ground and ducked out of sight for a moment.

“Do you know what the punishment is for stealing!?” the merchant yelled, grabbing the stranger’s wrist and drawing a sword.

Dan sprung, hurrying out from his hiding spot. “There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” he called, directing the call to the stranger. His eyes traveled back and forth from the stranger and the merchant, pretending to be confused, while both men were staring at Dan like he was crazy.

“You.. know this man?” The storeowner dropped his sword and - thankfully - the stranger’s wrist.

“Sadly yes. He’s my brother… he has a few mental issues.” Dan took the stranger by the shoulders and whispered, “Play along” to him quiet enough to not be heard by the merchant.

“Hey, look! A triple rainbow!” The beautiful stranger pointed at the sky and laughed with the appropriate sluggishness.

“C’mon, let’s get you to the doctor!” Dan pulled the stranger along until they could turn down a side street and be out of sight.

Once they were hidden, they both collapsed into laughter.

“Oh, man, that was awesome!” The stranger leaned his head against Dan’s shoulder, his whole body shaking with laughter.

“You were amazing!” Dan set a steadying hand on the stranger’s back.

Once they had their giggles out, the stranger looked up and into Dan’s eyes. Dan almost melted. Up close, the stranger was even prettier.

“Thanks for saving me. What’s your name?” The stranger asked.

“I’m nobody. Just a street rat.”

The stranger squinched his eyebrows. “Somehow I don’t believe that. Tell me your name, baby.”

Dan blushed. “I’m Dan. And you are?” He extended his hand.

“Arin. It’s nice to meet you, Dan.” Arin took Dan’s hand with a smile, and they shook.

“You’re pretty,” Dan blurted. 

Arin laughed. “You’re the pretty one.”

Dan was about to reply when he heard a shout of “There they are!” coming from the other end of the side street.

“Shit,” Dan hissed. “I forgot to mention I’m wanted for theft and some other stuff that you don’t want to know.”

“Well let’s fucking run!” Arin grabbed Dan’s hand and they started dashing through the streets of Agrumpbah, not sure where exactly they were going but knowing they had to go somewhere.

“This way!” Dan pulled Arin into a nearby building who’s door was cracked open, and they darted up a flight of stairs, reaching the roof in no time.

They stopped at the edge. “We have to jump,” Dan said hurriedly.

Arin was gasping. “Are you crazy!?”

“Do you trust me?” Dan squeezed Arin’s hand.

“Yes.” Arin didn’t hesitate.

“Then JUMP!”

They both leaped off the edge of the building and landed on an awning that bounced them once, making them giggle, before they slipped down to the street below and kept running until they were pretty sure they’d lost the guards.

“Man. Not a minute with you is boring!” Arin laughed, steadying himself on Dan’s shoulder.

They took a moment to catch their breath. Unfortunately, that moment couldn’t be afforded.

Before they knew it, they were surrounded by the guards, who had caught up with them at last.

One of the burly guards laughed and seized Dan, who just sighed, not bothering to fight. “Finally, street rat! You’ll get what you deserve - a lifetime in jail!”

“Wait!” Arin threw off his hood. “Unhand that man! By order of Prince Arin.”

“Prince Arin!” gasped the guards. They all bowed, but didn’t release Dan.

“We’re very sorry, but your father told us we weren’t allowed to take orders from you until you become sultan.” The guard holding Dan said. “Anyway, we were ordered by Suzy the vizier to throw this guy in the dungeon.”

“What the fuck!” Arin exclaimed, throwing both hands up into the air, totally pissed.

“Hey, we don’t make the rules, we just enforce them,” the guard said with a glint of malice in his eye. The guards started leading Dan off in the direction of the castle.

“I’ll see you again! I promise!” Arin called after him.

“Bye, my princess!” Dan called as if he were only leaving on a vacation.

Arin sadly watched them go, trying to think of a way to save his Dan.

* * *

 

“Well, this sucks,” Dan remarked to himself, digging a bare toe into the dirt underneath him. 

He was stuck sitting in the dirt with his arms handcuffed to the wall above his head. It sucked. It really sucked.

“Hey, boy, you need a hand there?” asked a rustling, creaky voice from the dark corner of the dungeon.

“Who said that? Show yourself!” Dan shouted.

An old woman emerged from the shadows, hobbling along on a cane. “Here.” She unlocked Dan's shackles with a key from under her robe, and Dan rubbed his wrists gratefully.

“Who are you?” Dan asked.

“No need, no need. Ya see, I need your help with something.” The old woman smiled a yellowing smile. 

“Anything, to repay you,” Dan said with an amicable smile.

“Good, good.” The old woman’s smile only grew. “Ya see, there’s this cave out in the desert called the Cave of Wonders…”

* * *

 

And so Dan found himself standing before a giant cougar head in the desert.

“Who dares disturb my slumber?” The voice from within boomed.

“Uh, me! The name’s Daniel.” It came out sounding like a question.

“The diamond in the rough!” the old woman added.

“You may enter.” A light flared from the opening of the cave.

“Remember, touch nothing but the lamp, and once you return it to me, you shall have your reward. Now GET GOING!” The woman pushed Dan towards the cave with her cane.

Dan stepped into the cave and started down a seemingly endless flight of limestone stairs that led to somewhere - or maybe nowhere.  But then Dan found a doorway at the very bottom of the stairs, and through that doorway was more gold and jewels than Dan had ever seen in his life.

The chamber he'd just entered was piled high with treasures, the whole room glittering as if made completely of gems. It was almost blinding - Dan actually had to shield his eyes.

“Damn, that’s a lot of money,” Dan mumbled. But he kept on without touching any of the treasure, looking only for the lamp.

He found it after several minutes of walking, resting on a golden pedestal at the very center of an otherwise empty chamber. Dan grasped it in his hands, expecting lightning to crash or a fanfare to play, but nothing happened.

“What a piece of crap,” Dan muttered. He started back toward the original chamber, running into a sentient carpet on the way who seemed to like him a lot, oddly enough.

Dan, followed by his new carpet friend, started toward the stairs, finally in the original chamber, when he tripped over his own feet of all things, and by accident, when he tried to break his fall, his hand fell onto a single gold coin from one of the piles.

Then everything went to hell.

The entire cave filled with a red light and the treasures started to melt away like a fading mirage. The walls began to tumble and break apart like flour being poured onto the ground.

“Shitshitshitshit!” Dan and his carpet companion raced for the exit, but the steps collapsed into a pool of lava before Dan and the carpet could reach them. The ceiling started caving in, dangerously large rocks raining down like ash after a volcanic eruption.

"Welp, I guess I’m gonna die now,” Dan mumbled. He started to sit on the floor and let it happen, but the carpet caught him on the way down and started _ flying _ .

“Holy shit!” Dan screamed, grabbing the edge of the carpet to keep from falling off of it as it propelled towards the exit, where the old woman stood, eagerly awaiting the lamp.

“I found it, you happy?” Dan yelled, holding out the lamp.

The old woman laughed triumphantly. “At last!” She reached for the lamp, but before she could grab ahold, the cave opening sealed shut.

The “old woman” fell back into the sand. “DAMMIT!” she yelled, peeling off her hooded cloak to reveal her vizier robe. The old woman had been Suzy all along! Cue the gasps.

Meanwhile, Dan had plopped down on the dusty floor of the collapsed cave and begun to rub the lamp, wondering what would happen. He’d heard old stories of people rubbing lamps and cool shit happening, but always thought it was just a metaphor for jerking off.

To Dan’s surprise, some blue smoke floated out of the dinky oil lamp, followed by a motherfucking  _ genie _ . Holy shit, right? You never saw it coming.

“What the fuck?” Dan asked the universe. “What the fuck is even happening right now?”

“I’m a genie!” yelled the auburn-haired, godly-cheekboned, Australian-accented blue genie. “The name’s Ross! You just freed me from a prison, boy!”

“I did?”

“Indeed! Which means you’re now my master, and I can grant you three wishes! If you can think of them. Bet you can’t.”

“Um, I can think of one right away. Can you get us the hell outta here?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely, Danny!” With a whoop, Ross, Dan, and the carpet were shooting up out of that cavern and towards an oasis on the horizon with nothing but a snap of Ross's fingers.

* * *

 

“Second wish, dude.” Ross kicked up his legs and leaned back as if spreading out on a couch in the air. "Am I badass or am I badass?"

Dan thought for a minute. He didn’t really have any wishes… oh wait. There was Arin. 

“There’s this guy I like -”

Ross made a buzzer sound. “Hell no! I can’t make people fall in love!”

“That’s homophobic,” Dan muttered. “Anyway, I was gonna ask if you could make me a prince, if you’ll cut the damn sass for a minute.”

“I can handle the first thing, but the second thing… no can do.” Ross examined his blue nails.

“Ross, I wish for you to make me a prince!” Dan cried, spreading his arms.

“You got it!” Ross snapped his fingers, and suddenly Dan was decked out in an ornate suit of white and gold and was sitting upon an elephant. That’s right, an elephant.

“Um, this isn’t what I meant -”

“Oh, we’re just getting started, kid!”

* * *

 

_ This _ wasn’t what Dan meant either.

Ross was performing a damn musical number with the help of a sprawling caravan of people doing parade-type things as they followed Prince Daniel. He was riding through town on his elephant, surrounded by a dancing, singing parade. Dan put on a fake smile, trying to revel in his new stardom, and waved at the spectators lining the streets.

And then the parade was busting through the door of the palace and into the throne room, and Dan was being helped down from his elephant by a servant he was pretty sure didn’t actually exist.

“Greetings, sultan Barry!” Dan called to the sultan, lowering himself to one knee. “My name is Prince Daniel, and I am here to request your son’s hand in marriage!”

Barry was staring at the parade spreading before him with a look of wonder in his eyes. “Yeah, you seem worthy. ARIN!”

Arin, dressed in a beaded turquoise crop top and matching pants, hurried out of his room, where he’d been sobbing. He’d just been told by vizier Suzy that the street rat, Dan, had been executed for his crimes. 

“Meet your new suitor, Arin! His name is Prince Daniel!” Barry said jubilantly, forgetting that the two princes were just that - two princes.

“At least you got me a guy this time,” Arin grumbled, glaring at Dan. “Get out of my house.”

Arin immediately ran back to his room, yelling over his shoulder, “I don’t want to marry one of your damn suitors! I want to marry my true love!”

“But he’s dead!” Barry called after his son.

“Welp, so much for that.” Dan bowed to Barry and left the throne room, deciding he’d hang out in the gardens or something til nightfall, then go see if he could win Arin over… again.

* * *

Arin was brushing his hair when he heard a call of “Hey Arin!” from the balcony outside his room.

Furrowing his eyebrows, Arin wandered onto the balcony, rolling his eyes when he saw that the call was from Prince Daniel, who was sitting on the railing.

“What the hell are you doing on my balcony?” Arin demanded to know. “In fact, why the hell are you still here? You should be crawling back home.”

_That one hurt_. “I was just gonna see if I could convince you that I’m different from any other guy.”

“Yup. That’s what they all say. Jump off the balcony, you dick.” Arin started to turn his back, then heard Daniel say, “Okay.”

Arin turned just in time to see Dan sliding backwards off of the railing, about to plummet to his death.

“No, wait!” Arin called. “I didn’t mean that, you asshole!”

But Dan’s head popped up over the railing again. “Gotcha!” He laughed his ass off while Arin looked on in confusion.

“How’re you doing that?” Arin asked. 

Dan sailed over the railing and onto the balcony on the back of a carpet.

“Flying carpet,” Dan said like it was the most normal thing in the world. “Wanna take a ride?”

“Um, is it safe?” Arin asked, looking up into Daniel’s eyes. They looked so familiar…

“Do you trust me?” Dan asked, holding out his hand.

Arin paused. Why did that sound familiar too? “Yes.”

Dan grabbed Arin’s hand and pulled him onto the carpet, causing them to bump together. As the carpet lifted off again, rocketing towards the sky, Arin gasped and threw his arms around Dan’s shoulders to keep himself steady. Dan just laughed as they broke through the clouds, stars spreading out above their heads like a curtain of velvet sprinkled with crystals. The wind rushed through Dan’s and Arin’s hair, flushing their faces and ruffling their clothes.

The carpet dipped below the clouds again, sailing over the rooftops of Agrumpbah. The sight of the city racing by below them was exhilarating, and Arin let out a shout of laughter. 

They soon were flying over the city walls and had made it to the diamond sands of the desert, where they raced the wind. 

Now they were both laughing, adrenaline coursing through them, taking in the indigo desert unfurling before them while the wind wildly whipped their hair. The carpet whirled and turned and rose and fell, constantly giving the men on its back a new perspective. 

It was beautiful. Exciting. An experience like none Arin had ever had before.

Eventually, the sun began to peek out from the horizon, washing the sand with gold and scarlet, and Dan returned Arin to his balcony.

“The streets sure look different from up there, huh?” Dan said, perching on the railing with Arin standing before him, hands resting on Dan’s hips.

“They sure do. Thankfully there were no guards chasing us this time.”

“Oh shit, you’re smart,” Dan said, knowing his cover was blown. He pulled off the grand headdress he’d been wearing and tossed it off the balcony. “You guessed it. I’m Dan.”

“It was easy to tell,” Arin chuckled. “Your hair, your eyes, your voice, your general manner… all the same.”

“Are you mad that I lied for a little bit?” Dan asked.

“Not mad. Just happy you’re not dead.” Arin grasped Dan’s hand. “Don’t worry, my love. I’ll find a way to get my dad to change the law so that I can marry you instead of one of his damn royals.”

“That sounds pretty neat.” Dan grinned, tucking a wayward strand of Arin’s hair behind his ear. “For now, though, I’ll let you go.”

“Okay. Goodni- I mean, good morning, my handsome prince,” Arin said with a chuckle.

Dan hopped down from the railing and took Arin’s face in his hands. “See you soon, my princess.”

They both started leaning in, their lips meeting each other halfway in a passionate kiss.

To Dan, Arin tasted like wind (and a little bit like coconuts). It was maddening, and Dan couldn’t get enough of it. Arin tangled his fingers in Dan’s hair and Dan slipped his tongue into Arin’s mouth. A soft breeze blew over them, the sunrise lit the balcony with orange, and everything felt so far away.

All too soon, Dan broke the kiss and smiled at Arin. He patted Arin’s arm before climbing onto his carpet and flying away to the gardens below.

* * *

 

Ross was waiting for Dan in the gardens. 

Barry and Suzy were waiting for Arin in the throne room.

Ross was pissed.

Barry was excited, Suzy was pleased.

“Look, Dan, you promised me you’d use your last wish to free me, not change a damn law!” It was true. Dan had promised he’d free Ross with his third wish once he’d won over the prince.

“Arin! You’ll be marrying Suzy! Law says it must be so!” Barry called to his son.

“But I really love Arin. I want us to be able to get married,” Dan argued.

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” Arin yelled. “I love Dan!”

“Fine then. Fuck you.” Ross stuck his tongue out at Dan, retreated into his lamp and refused to come out.

“Too bad! You’re marrying me!” Suzy yelled with triumph.

* * *

 

Dan raced into the throne room and found Suzy and Barry arguing with Arin. 

“Good morning, everyone!” Dan announced, bowing respectfully. “May I ask what’s happening?”

“Arin won’t marry vizier Suzy because he says he’s in love with you,” Barry reported.

“Then I say let him marry me!” Dan said. “What’s so wrong with that?”

“The law says -”

“No it doesn’t!” Dan glared at Suzy, lacing his fingers through Arin’s. “She’s been hypnotizing you! I saw! She just wants to marry Arin, it doesn’t saw that in the law anywhere,” Dan told the sultan.

He actually had seen the hypnotizing happen. He’d saw through the window from the gardens.

“I did no such thi -”

“Get out!” Barry yelled to Suzy.

Suzy made a sneery face at Barry and left the room with a sweep of her cape. “BY THE WAY, DAN'S A PEASANT!” she announced before slamming the main doors behind her.

“What a bitch,” Arin mumbled.

Barry looked to Dan. “You're a peasant?”

Dan sighed. "Yup. I'll go now."

* * *

 

Little did they know, Brian had stolen the lamp with Ross in it from the gardens on the way out, and Suzy was rubbing it right now. 

“Listen, Dan, I’m not in the mood to- Oh shit,” Ross cut himself off as he rose from his lamp. “You gained weight, dude.”

Suzy smacked Ross’s face. “How dare you! By the way, I’m your master now.”

“Whatever, man.” Ross rolled his eyes, manifested a cigarette in his hand, and held it there for show.

“My first wish is for you to make me a big-ass snake.”

“Okay.” Ross shrugged. With a snap of his fingers, Suzy had become a giant, gleaming black snake as tall as the palace itself.

Shocked, Arin, Dan, and Barry raced outside.

“Don’t worry, I can take down this motherfucker.” Dan glared up at Suzy.

Before Dan could think of a way to actually take down that motherfucker, that motherfucker wrapped her massive-ass tail around Dan's lanky body and raised him far off the ground. Dan winced, remembering another time when he’d been looking down at the city far below him. It wasn’t quite as pleasant now.

“I’m the most powerful being in the world, you dick!” Suzy hissed at Dan.

“Wrong,” Dan said, fighting to remain calm and confident. “Ross has more power than you ever will!”

Suzy smiled. “Ross,” she snarled. “I wish for you to make me the most powerful genie in the entire world! No, the entire universe! NO, the entire multiverse! _NO_ -”

Ross snapped his fingers and rolled his eyes, and Suzy began to morph. Her serpent form squished grotesquely into the form of a mountainous, ripped-as-shit dude, and Dan started muttering “Shitshitshit,” again as he began to tumble through the air to certain death below.

His carpet caught him and lowered him safely to the ground, much to the relief of everyone on the scene (except for Suzy, of course ((and Brian, who was literally sitting on the roof of the castle with a bucket of popcorn, watching the battle with amusement))).

“Hey, Suze?” Dan called, a little sassily. “You’re fucked.” He held up the black oil lamp that had fallen to the ground when Suzy’s transformation happened. 

“Shiiiiiii -” The curse became a decrescendo as Suzy was sucked into the lamp, along with Brian.

Ross was laughing. He picked up the black lamp and softball-pitched it across the dunes. “You did it, Dan!” He shrunk down enough to give Dan a hug. “Now, you should totally use your wish to be a prince and marry this lovely princess,” Ross said, motioning to Arin, who was grinning.

“Hell no! Ross, I wish for your freedom! Go see the world, buddy!”

“FUCK YEAH!” Ross’s bond to the lamp broke, and he rocketed across the dunes without even saying goodbye - just a distant “THANKS MAN!!!!”

A hand fell on Dan’s shoulder, and he turned to see Arin smiling at him.

“You did the right thing, baby.” Arin kissed Dan’s cheek.

“Thanks, princess. But I guess I’ll just have to go back to being a street rat now.” Dan sighed. Damn. He'd really been looking forward to marrying Arin.

“Actually,” Barry said. “I see you two love each other very much.”

“Is it that obvious?” Dan slung an arm over Arin’s shoulders, pulling him closer.

“Uh, yeah. Anyway, I’ve decided to change the law! The prince or princess may now marry whomever they damn choose!”

“HELL YEAH!” Dan and Arin cheered simultaneously.

* * *

 

Dan and Arin were married under a deep blue Agrumpbah night upon the crystal sands of the desert that stretched endlessly before their eyes, an infinity ready to be explored and discovered. And they lived happily ever after. The end.

* * *

 

“Now will you buy my damn lamp?” The auburn-haired, godly-cheekboned, Australian-accented merchant asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have an important question. Would you guys prefer a schedule when it comes to updating this story or are you fine with my random - ass updates? Let me know in the comments. Also, does anyone need a beta reader? I would be super happy to help out anyone in need of a beta. If you're interested, shoot me an email at xenohaloqueen@gmail.com . I love you all, next chapter will be Beauty and the Beast! Farewell for now!


	5. Beauty and the Beast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is Belle, Arin is the Beast, Ross is Gaston. Fun!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! This chapter is SUPER long and is not quite as funny as the other ones, but I love it. It's based on the Disney movie, so a few lines are stolen from it. I hope you guys like this story!

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived a young prince by the name of Arin. Though he owned everything he could ever possibly want, he was spoiled, selfish and unkind. One freezing winter’s night, a stooped woman with a wrinkled face and a threadbare hood knocked upon the castle doors. She asked Arin if she could be sheltered at the castle, and offered him a rose in return. Arin sneered at her offer and told her to get lost. The old woman warned him not to be deceived by appearances, telling him beauty was found within, but the prince would not be swayed. He turned her away yet again. Instead of fleeing, the woman removed her cloak to reveal a beautiful enchantress with a young face and waves of golden hair that tumbled down her arched back. The prince begged for forgiveness, but the enchantress had already seen that there was no love in the prince’s heart. Before he could apologize again, she transformed him into a repugnant beast and placed a curse upon the castle and its inhabitants. Arin, disgusted by his new face, locked himself away in the castle, refusing to leave. He was left with the rose the woman offered him - an enchanted rose that would bloom until he turned twenty-one. If he could fall in love with another and be loved by them by the time the flower withered, then the curse would be broken. If not, he would never regain his handsome, human form. Years passed, and Arin gave up. Nobody would ever love him.

* * *

 

Dan sighed. “Another day, another errand to run.”

The young man wandered through the ornery little town where he lived with his possibly insane inventor friend Brian, off to the market. Brian had requested that Dan buy a single apple for him; Dan planned to stop by the bookshop after he obeyed Brian's orders.

“Good morning, Dan!” called Nate, one of the town’s inhabitants. They were all beginning to look the same to Dan…

“Good day,” Dan called, barely paying attention. He swung the basket he held in both hands, making sure the book nestled within didn’t fall to the ground.

A nearby group of guys watched Dan pass and turned to whisper to each other.

“There he goes. He’s  _ so _ weird,” one of them hissed.

“I know, right? He’s a whole lot of handsome and a whole lot of mentally insane.” One of the other guys shuddered.

Dan paid them no mind, hippity-hopping towards the market. He skipped up to a fruitstand, daydreaming about buying a horse and getting the fuck out of here.

“One apple, please,” Dan requested, thinking  _ There must be more than this provincial life _ .

The girl selling the fruit gave him a strange look. “One?”

“Yes please.” Dan tried not to get frustrated, maintaining his smile.

“Okay then.” She shrugged and handed him an apple, which he promptly paid for and stowed in his basket.

“Thank you!” Dan curtsied and went on his dazed way towards the bookshop, swishing his blue skirt. Anyone passing him would guess he was wandering through a pleasant daydream.

“Good morning, Dan,” the bookseller greeted him pleasantly.

“Morning,” Dan said with a smile. “Got anything new?” He asked, handing the bespectacled bookseller the book he was returning.

“Nope, sorry.” The bookseller set the book on the shelf and adjusted his glasses.

“That’s alright.” Dan patted the bookseller's shoulder and reached for his favorite book,  _ Sleeping Beauty _ . “I’ll borrow this…. Again…”

The bookseller laughed without malice. “You’ve read it over nine-thousand times! I can tell you like it… it’s yours. Have it for free.”

“Oh, that’s alright sir, but I really -”

“No, Dan. You can have it, really.”

“Thank you so much, sir!” Dan planted a quick kiss on his cheek (they were pretty close) and floated out the door, on the way home.

As Dan passed the tavern, a handsome, ripped man leaning against the wall covertly checked out his ass.

That handsome, ripped man’s name was Ross, and he’d just shot a goose.

“GOT IT!” shouted his assistant, Vernon, who totally missed the bird as it plummeted from the sky. “Oops.” He hurriedly picked it up and hustled it back to Ross.

“There goes the apple of my eye.” Ross nodded in Dan’s direction as the lanky man performed a flawless pirouette. 

“But he’s totally crazy!” cried Vernon.

“But he’s prettier than all the girls in this town, and that means I must have him.” Ross rolled his eyes and took a sip of whiskey.

Oblivious to Ross’s staring, Dan lay down on the edge of the fountain at the very center of town to watch the clouds go by.

_ I wish I could do that _ , he thought.  _ Just sail away from here, off to new places every second. _

Someone covered Dan’s eyes. “Guess who?” 

Dan stifled a groan. “Ross?” he grumbled.

“That’s me,” Ross said, removing his hand. “How are you today, Dan?”

Dan sat up, looking up into Ross’s face. “I mean, I’m okay I guess. How about you?” He didn’t really care, he just wanted to be polite.

“Never mind me.” Ross paused to gaze at his reflection in a nearby storefront window. “I wanted to talk about you… and those  _ books _ you’re reading.” He said ‘books’ like it was something gross.

“What’s wrong with books? I think they’re wonderful,” Dan snapped defensively.  _ Fuck being polite. _

“I was just thinking that maybe you could spend your time thinking about other, more important things… like me,” Ross said with a cocky grin.

Dan stood to leave.

“Wait!” Ross, flanked by Vernon, stepped into Dan’s way and grabbed his wrist.

“Fuck off, man!” Dan yanked his wrist away from Ross, kneed him swiftly in the nuts, and hurried home.

Ross watched him go with a smirk on his face. “He totally wants it.”

* * *

 

Later that day, Dan was lying in the grass outside his cottage, having delivered the apple and learned that Brian would be riding into a city several miles away to exhibit his newest invention at a fair. Dan had asked to tag along, but there was only enough room on the rented horse for one person.

Dan sighed, picking a nearby dandelion. All traces of gold was gone, every petal fluffy and white.

_ I wish I could leave forever _ , he thought, and exhaled the fluff away.

As the pieces floated away on the breeze like snowflakes, Dan started singing, his voice carrying out over the surrounding hills like a call for help.

* * *

 

Several days later, there was a frantic neighing outside the door of the cottage, rousing Dan from his slumber.

“The fuck is that?” He flicked on an oil lamp and stumbled to the door. 

Outside the house was the flaxen-maned chestnut horse Brian had rented, Jimmyjam, who was clearly distressed. There was a rolled-up sheet of parchment tied to his saddlebag with baling twine.

Dan stroked the gelding’s muzzle, humming tunelessly to calm him down, and opened the parchment, unrolling it. It was a letter, written in Brian’s tiny, neat handwriting.

**_Dear Dan,_ **

**_So I was on my way to the city, right? And it started raining, so I tried to find shelter. I found a castle where there’s a bigass beast, and I got kidnapped. Now I’m stuck here. Save me, asshole. (Also Jimmyjams hates getting booted in the ribs. Just give him a little tap on the flank with your heel to speed him up.)_ **

**_Fucking help,_ **

**_Brian_ **

“Shit!” Dan exclaimed. He patted the horse’s strong shoulder. “I’ll be out in a minute, buddy.”

He hurried back inside and threw on black shoes, the same blue dress he’d worn the day Brian had left, and a dark cloak over top. The minute he was done, he snatched the oil lamp off the table where he’d left it and mounted the horse in one stride.

“C’mon, buddy! Let’s go rescue Brian.” Dan gently heeled the horse on, and he started off at a fast canter the way he came.

* * *

 

“So  _ this _ is hell.”

Dan stared up at the hulking castle that loomed above him, seeming to blot out the sky. In the daylight, it’d probably be beautiful, but tonight, it looked like the birthing place of all nightmares.

Dan slipped from Jimmyjams’s saddle, giving the horse a pat and whispering a quick “thank you”. Half terrified and half excited, Dan approached the spiky iron gates of the castle.

“BRIAN!” he yelled as he entered through two massive oaken doors. “BRIAN! GIMME A YELL IF YOU CAN HEAR ME!”

“Dude, watch it. You’ll hurt your voice  _ and _ our eardrums.”

Dan jumped practically out of his panties. “The fuck?” He glanced quickly around him and saw nobody. “Who’s there?”

“Me, you dick!”

Dan looked around again. “Where?”

“Here!” There was a flash of light coming from a sconce on the wall. A golden candelabra was nestled there.

“Um, hello?” Dan reached out to touch it.

“Watch it! Hot wax,” warned the candelabra.

“A talking candle. Well, I never,” Dan mumbled to himself. “What’s your name?” he asked the object.

“I’m Barry, sir. I’d be honored to light your way, maybe offer you some food - and help you find your friend,” Barry bowed with a sweep of his flame-tipped arm.

“I’m Dan. Nice to meet you.” He smiled politely. Talking candelabras didn’t scare him for some reason. At least, Barry seemed nice.

Dan lifted the candelabra and began to carry him up a nearby flight of stone stairs, passing several suits of armor. Dan shivered. He could feel them watching him.

“Barry! Who’ve you got there?” Another voice called from the hallway at the top of the stairs.

“This is Dan. Think he might be able to break the curse?” Barry spoke to the invisible voice.

Out of the shadows wandered a clock with a skeptical face. “Maybe. He’s definitely handsome enough.”

“And who might you be?” Dan asked the clock politely.

“My name’s Jack. Pleased to make your acquaintance.” He nodded.

“Wait… what’s this curse you were talking about?” Dan asked.

“Uhhhhh….” Jack and Barry looked at each other with faces that said ‘shit’. “We’ll explain later,” Barry said hurriedly. “Now, we eat.”

* * *

 

After the most fabulous (and most musical) meal he’d ever eaten (and meeting a teapot named Holly and her teacup son Kevin), Dan wandered the cold, dark hallways of the castle, searching for Brian.

Finally, he found Brian, who was sitting boredly on a pile of straw behind a cage door.

“Brian!” Dan cried, falling to his knees before the door.

“Hey, Dan,” Brian said as if greeting him after an ordinary outing in the town.

“I’m gonna get you out of here, I promise -”

“Calm down, man. You’re sweating.” Brian gave Dan a semi-comforting pat on his hand.

A looming shadow fell over Dan and Brian. Brian looked over Dan’s shoulder. “Shit,” he muttered.

Slowly, Dan turned around. He couldn’t quite make out who was standing behind him - they were too far back in the darkness of the hallway. He could hear heavy, wet breathing, though.

“Come into the light, if you wouldn’t mind,” Dan said softly, his voice shaking just a bit. He nodded to the light provided by Barry.

The breather stepped into the light.

Dan gasped.

_ A beast _ .

The beast was at least seven feet tall, with clumps of matted brown fur, spiraling black demon horns on his head, and sharp fangs. But his eyes were wide and scared, soft and brown.

“Who are you? What are you doing here?” The creature demanded in a deep, growling voice.

“I - I - my name is Dan, and I’m here to free my friend,” Dan said, his voice sounding meek. He couldn’t stop looking at the beast’s eyes that didn’t quite suit the rest of his monstrous form.

“Get outta here. This guy’s imprisoned for life,” the beast snarled.

“No! I want to help him!” Dan stood angrily and glared at the beast fearlessly. All of his meekness had faded.

The beast lifted a paw, reeling back as if to strike, then stopped. He dropped his claws and sighed. “Just leave before I have to hurt you,” he said, trying to sound tougher than he felt. But Dan could tell he didn’t have the balls to hit him.

“Take me instead,” Dan offered. “I’ll remain in your castle in Brian’s place, if he can return home.”

“You are a brave soul,” Arin said admiringly. “Done.”

Dan’s eyes drifted shut and he took a deep sigh, holding back tears. _What have I done?_ He opened his eyes to see Brian flipping him off. Brian was being hustled out of the room by the beast. He looked like he could care less about this.

“Fuck you, man!” Dan called in farewell.

“See ya, dick!” Brian responded.

“Shut it!” the beast roared. It was unclear which of them he was talking to.

Dan, assuming he was to be locked up, plopped down in the moldy straw pile that Brian had just vacated.

The beast returned to the dim room minutes later. “What are you doing in there?” he asked.

“Um, I thought I was gonna be put behind bars like any other damsel in distress.” Dan shrugged.

“Come on. I’ll show your room.” The beast gestured for Dan to follow him.

Dan stood, brushed the dust and straw from his skirt, and hurried after the beast.

“Excuse me?” Dan asked politely, aware of Barry, Jack, Holly and Kevin trailing behind him. “What’s your name?”

The beast halted in the middle of the hallway, going rigid. He turned slowly, glowering at Dan menacingly. Dan stared back, expecting to be screamed at, but the beast just spat, “Arin,” and continued on his way.

_ Arin. That’s kinda pretty, _ thought Dan.

Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

* * *

 

“Ross, you’re the greatest! Dan isn’t good enough for you!”

“Shut it, Vernon! Get me another beer!” Ross literally kicked Vernon’s ass, and the manservant scuttled off to the bar.

“I know I’m amazing,” Ross muttered to himself. “Why doesn’t Dan know it?”

Before he could answer his own question, the door to the tavern burst open, and Brian rushed in, tripping over the threshold but righting himself before he fell.

“Dan’s trapped in a castle with a beast!” Brian announced. 

“What the fuck?” Ross rose from his chair, immediately forgetting his question.

“He is. I saw.” Brian, calming down, took a seat at a table. “Beer, please!” he called.

“Wait, old man.” Ross slammed a fist onto the table. “What?”

“Dan got captured by a beast and is stuck in his castle,” Brian said as casually as he would deliver an everyday news report.

“Well, I say we save him!” Ross trumpeted.

“You sure, boss?” Vernon asked, handing him a beer.

“Absolutely not! This guy’s obviously crazy!” Ross laughed a bellowing laugh.

Brian shrugged. “Your choice, man.” He sipped his beer. “Because just between you and me; I fucking hate that guy.”

* * *

 

Dan wasn’t gonna lie - this was the most comfortable bed he’d ever slept in. 

“I hope you find this room suitable,” Arin grumbled from the doorway.

“It’s lovely.” Dan curled up in the bed and shut his eyes. 

When Dan opened his eyes again, Arin was still standing there, staring at him with an adoring look in his humanlike eyes.

“What?” Dan asked.

Arin's face hardened and he slammed the door without replying.

* * *

 

The next morning, Dan woke to a golden sunrise tinged with scarlet and the smell of hot tea rising from the bedside table.

“Good morning, dear. Just pouring you a bit of tea!” Holly the teapot said with delight.

Dan yawned, sitting up and stretching. “Good morning, Holly and Kevin!”

“Good morning, Dan!” Kevin chirped.

Dan smiled, taking a sip of tea from Kevin’s head.

“What should I wear today?” Dan wondered automatically.

“Did somebody say ‘wear’?” came a jovial voice from the other side of the room.

Dan looked up to see an ornate wardrobe smiling at him. 

“Oh, hi there!” Dan waved to her. “What’s your name?” 

“I’m Suzy!” the wardrobe called. “Nice to meet you, dear! Now come get dressed!”

Minutes later, Dan was decked out in a flowing green dress that fit him surprisingly well. He ran a brush through his wild curls and smiled at his reflection. He felt like a princess.

A harsh pounding sounded on the door. “Eat breakfast with me!” Arin’s gruff voice demanded.

“Fuck no! Ask me nicely!” Dan snipped.

A sigh came from the other side of the door. “Would you please join me for breakfast?”

Dan opened the door and smiled. “That’s better. I’d be honored.”

Arin look shocked, but the look was quickly replaced with one of false nonchalance. “Come.” He started down the hallway, and Dan followed. He was led to the same sprawling, grand dining room he’d eaten in last night.

Dan and Arin sat at opposite ends of the table and were served porridge sprinkled with brown sugar. Dan took a small, polite bite while Arin shoveled the mush into his face.

“That’s not very polite,” Dan commented gently.

“I don’t give a shit,” Arin said, barely looking up from his breakfast.

Dan shrugged and finished eating.

When he was done, he tapped his fingers against the table, looking everywhere but at Arin.

The shrill sound of wooden chair scraping on stone floor rang throughout the room, and Dan fought the urge to plug his ears.

“I’m going to my room,” Arin growled. “You are free to explore the castle as you please; just don’t go to the West Wing or I’ll gouge your eyes out.” Arin left the room swiftly, leaving a hefty silence in his wake.

That night, Dan went right to the West Wing.

The West Wing was dark and shadowy. It stank of stale tears and broken memories. The curtains were grayed and tattered, the plum-colored wallpaper was grimy, and the floor was littered with destroyed furniture.

Lit by a single beam from the room’s only window, resting on an end table, was a glittering rose that seemed to glow from within.

Entranced, Dan wandered over to it and raised his hand to touch the blossom.

“GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THERE!”

Dan shrieked as a gigantic paw grabbed him by the skirt and pulled him back from the table, thrusting him onto the floor. Dan looked up to see Arin standing above him, eyes blazing, looking furious.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know -”

“GET OUT! GET OUT!” Arin roared bloodcurdlingly.

Dan wasted no time getting to his feet and darting away, hurtling through the halls. He raced towards the doors and left the castle in a hurry, not bothering to say goodbye to any of his newfound friends.

Dan, tears falling, dashed into the woods outside the castle gates, paying no mind to the darkness or the cool of the night.

Once Dan was sufficiently lost among the forest’s looming pines, he paused to wipe his eyes and think about what to do next. Go home? Live in the woods? 

Before he could decide what to do, he heard a low growl coming from the nearby bushes. Two glowing eyes peered back at him.

“Oh shit,” Dan mumbled.

A massive, drooling wolf crept out of the brambly shrubs, snarling at Dan as if to say ‘hello there, dinner’.

Dan backed up - right into another wolf.

“Shit again,” Dan said.

Both wolves pounced simultaneously. Dan leaped out of the way, rolling off to the side. He snatched a branch from the ground and beat the approaching wolves over the heads with it. It only knocked them back a bit. They just kept coming…

Dan was cringing, preparing for death, when there came a chilling roar that sounded rather familiar.

Dan opened his eyes to see Arin, his beast, lunging at the wolves, claws and fangs bared, looking every bit the monster. Dan didn’t just watch the battle with a slack jaw; he hurried over to aid in any way he could.

The wolves were completely focused on Arin now; they ignored Dan completely - until he curb-stomped one of them, killing it on the spot.

The other wolf, seeing its dead partner, pounced towards Dan, but was intercepted by Arin. The two beasts rolled to the ground, and Arin sank his fangs into the wolf’s neck. The wolf yelped and tore itself away from Arin, making a rushed escape.

Arin lay on the ground for a minute, sides heaving, blood seeping from a wolf scratch on his forearm.

Dan hurried over to Arin, tears in his eyes. “Oh, Arin.” He fell to his knees beside him. “Arin…”

“I’ll be alright,” Arin said gruffly.

Dan brushed tears from his own cheeks.

“Will you come back to the castle?” Arin asked. His tone implied that he didn’t care what Dan’s answer was, but his eyes betrayed him.

Dan nodded silently.

* * *

 

“Ow! That hurts!” Arin yelled.

“Well you were the one who moved!” Dan snapped right back, pressing the hot washcloth to the gashes on Arin’s arm.

Arin hissed but didn’t complain.

“By the way,” Dan began gently, “thank you. For saving me. I really thought I might die out there.”

“I thought you might die, too. That’s why I saved you,” Arin admitted, actually sounding a little bit kind for the first time.

“Well, that’s nice of you!” Dan exclaimed. He moved the washcloth from Arin’s arm and began to bandage it.

“You’re welcome.” Now Arin  _ really  _ sounded kind.

Dan fastened the bandage snugly. “There you go.” He looked up into Arin’s eyes. They really did look like a human’s eyes, so vulnerable and soft…

“You have beautiful eyes,” Dan whispered.

He expected Arin to jerk away from him and flee, but he just set a large paw on Dan’s thigh. “Thanks,” he said in an almost-human voice. “You have beautiful everything.”

Dan laughed. “You know, you can be pretty sweet… when you’re not being a total dick.”

* * *

 

A week later, Dan and Arin were taking an afternoon walk of the castle grounds. This had become common for them, and they were gradually warming up to each other more and more every day. Dan found that he was beginning to care more about Arin than he should… was he falling in love with the beast?

“No, no, not like that. Like this.” Dan showed Arin how to properly spread birdseed on the ground in a way that wouldn’t frighten the small creatures.

The birds were too terrified of Arin’s face to eat the seeds he dropped. It made Arin frustrated, but it made Dan laugh.

Barry, Jack, Holly and Kevin watched the two from the window as the man and beast chased each other playfully around the castle grounds.

“They’re totally in love,” Jack said with a smile.

Dan tripped and feigned agony, but when Arin looked down at him with concern, Dan pulled Arin down on top of him and they rolled in the grass together, laughing their asses off.

When the sun began to set, the two headed inside, Dan's pink dress matching the sherbet sky.

“Man, I wish I had a book to read,” Dan said with a sigh.

“Uh, speaking of books…” Arin hesitantly took Dan’s hand and started pulling him down a hallway.

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see!”

Eventually, they reached a small wooden door. “Cover your eyes,” Arin told Dan.

Dan smiled and cooperated.

Arin led him through the door and stopped him at the center of the room. “Alright, open your eyes,” he said, barely containing the excitement in his voice.

Dan opened his eyes and gasped.

He found himself standing in the center of a dazzling library. Massive shelves towered above him all the way to a lofty ceiling, where a crystal chandelier showered the room with light. The shelves had to contain thousands - no,  _ millions  _ \- of books.

“Wow,” Dan whispered. “I’ve never seen so many books in my life!”

“Well, it’s yours. This library belongs to you now.” 

When Dan turned to Arin, the beast was smiling. It was a human’s smile.

Dan threw his arms around Arin. “Thank you!” he cried.

“You’re welcome.” Arin hugged Dan back.

They spent the night curled up in an armchair together, Dan reading aloud, Arin occasionally exclaiming over the book. The sentient household objects watched from the shadows and smiled.

* * *

 

“Trust me, Arin; you’ve got this.”

“I don’t know  -”

“You’ve got this.” Barry started to comfortingly pat his buddy’s shoulder, but stopped himself, realizing Arin’s fur was probably flammable.

“It’s just - Dan’s so beautiful, and I love him so much. But what if he doesn’t love me back? What if he thinks I’m ugly or something?”

“Dan loves you, man. I’m sure of it,” Barry said honestly.

“Alright.” Arin straightened his tie. “I’ll do it.”

Arin strode out into the center of the sparkling golden ballroom and looked to the top of the grand staircase. Dan stood there, looking positively stunning in a sweeping golden ball gown, shimmering high-heels and matching gold elbow-length gloves. His brown curls were piled into an elegant half-updo, and he was smiling so much that his eyes crinkled up.

As Dan descended the stairs, looking like an angel, Arin offered him a paw. Dan took it once he reached the bottom of the stairs, and Arin led him to the center of the floor.

Soft, slow music began playing from some unknown corner of the room; Holly was singing in a resonant alto belt, and Dan’s eyes were sparkling warmly in the chandelier’s luminescence.

Arin set his free paw on Dan’s hip. Dan lay his own free hand on Arin’s large shoulder, and they started to dance - slowly, gently, smilingly. They were just appreciating each other now, thinking about how they felt. 

Dan knew he loved Arin, and Arin knew he loved Dan.

But they said nothing.

After their dance, Arin brought Dan out to the balcony, and they looked out across the indigo valley together.

“Dan…” Arin couldn’t look at him. “Do you... like living here with me?”

Arin felt Dan’s delicate hand on his forearm. He turned to see Dan smiling sweetly, his eyes smiling just as much as his face. “I  _ love _ living here with you,” Dan assured him. “The only thing is…” His smile faded. “I miss Brian.”

Arin set his paw on Dan’s dainty shoulder. “I’ll let you go back to the town and see him… if you’d like.”

“That would mean the world to me, Arin! Thank you so much!” Dan gave him a hug, resting his head on Arin’s broad chest. Arin just held him.

“You’re welcome, my dear.” 

Dan smiled and held Arin tighter.

* * *

The thing that sucked, though, was nobody in the town believed Dan when he said Arin was nice.

Dan accidentally started an angry mob, led by Ross.

It sucked.

* * *

 

A storm brewed and eventually unleashed its fury upon the land as the mob broke down the castle’s doors.

The torch-holding, axe-wielding mob didn’t stand a chance against all of the castle’s objects, who fought back like a well-trained army. Arin sat alone in his room, feeling defeated, and Dan hurried up the path in a desperate attempt to catch up to - and stop - the mob.

Unfortunately, Ross found Arin before Dan had even passed through the gates.

“It’s time for you to meet your end, beast!” Ross yelled, drawing a knife.

Arin looked up at Ross and sighed. “Come at me, bro,” he said without fight.

“ _ You _ come at  _ me _ !” Ross insisted.

They didn’t move for at least a minute.

At last, Ross got bored. With a resounding battle cry, he charged towards Arin and shoved him through the room’s large window, laughing as Arin’s body broke the glass and tumbled out onto the balcony outside.

Dan gasped when he saw Arin, followed by Ross. _I have to get to that balcony._

Dan raced up the steps, hurrying towards the roof.

Meanwhile, Ross and Arin began to wrestle. 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” growled Arin.

“Good, because I want to hurt you,” Ross responded through gritted teeth, drawing his knife.

“NO!” Dan cried from inside Arin’s room. He raced out onto the balcony and grabbed Ross’s shirt, trying to pull him off of Arin. Ross shoved Dan aside.

“Stay out of this, you could get hurt!” Ross said.

“Get the fuck off of Arin!” Dan yelled, actually baring his teeth.

“Arin? Who’s that?” Ross snickered. “Aw, your beast has a name! How adorable!” he taunted.

“Stop being a dick!” Dan threw a punch that connected with Ross’s jaw.

“Holy shit.” Ross rubbed the bruise already forming there. Blood trickled from his mouth and he looked up at Dan with a smile.

“You know you want me, Dan. You know you’d rather have me than this monster.” He spat on Arin’s still form.

Dan let out a wild scream and launched himself at Ross, trying to wrest the knife out of his gloved hands. Ross was too strong, though, and managed to keep his hold on his weapon. He shoved Dan away from him. “This isn’t your fight!”

Dan stood again. “Then why am I standing out here with you guys in the middle of a storm, doing most of the fighting?”

“Dan?” Arin called huskily.

“Arin!” Dan knelt beside him. “You okay?”

Arin nodded. “Darling, I think you should stay out of this. I can do it.”

“Let me help you!”

“This is my fight.” Arin got to his feet and stepped towards Ross, who raised his knife with a grin. Instead of using the knife, though, Ross shoved Arin off the balcony, thinking the beast was done for - but he caught himself on a windowsill and dropped onto a smaller balcony. Ross climbed down after him with Spiderman-esque movements, and the battle continued down below. Dan hurried back into the castle and raced down a few flights of stairs, trying to get to the other balcony as quickly as possible.

By the time Dan got there, Arin was holding Ross by the throat over the edge of the balcony. Ross was begging for mercy.

Dan watched in awe as Arin pulled Ross back onto the balcony and released him.

“Arin!” Dan cried.

Arin turned away from Ross and moved towards Dan. Dan met him halfway and started to pull him into his arms, but before he could, Arin threw his head back and roared in anguish. Dan scurried back a few steps and saw why - Ross had just driven his knife into Arin’s back, right between his shoulder blades, and was grinning like he’d just won the lottery.

Dan shrieked, not altogether unlike the noise Arin had just made, and charged at Ross. He had no more mercy. Dan shoved Ross off the edge of the balcony, but could not bear to watch him plummet to his most certain death.

Dan, in tears, again took a knee beside Arin. “Oh my God, Arin…” He choked out a sob.

Arin lifted a paw and rested it against Dan’s cheek, wiping away a tear with his thumb. “Maybe it’s better this way.” 

“Don’t say that. You’ll be okay. Everything’ll be fine.” Dan twined his fingers in Arin’s fur.

“Dan… at least I got to see you… one last time.”

“This isn’t the last time Arin!” Dan sobbed.

Arin just gave him one last smile before his eyes rolled back in his head and he went limp.

Dan unleashed a cry of grief, tears pouring down his face and mingling with the rain. “Arin!” he cried. “Please don’t leave me!” He buried his face in Arin’s drenched chest. “I love you.”

There was a beat of silence, and then, Arin’s body began to warm up. 

Dan scrambled a stone’s throw away, watching with his mouth agape as Arin’s limp body rose into the air and began to glow.

Swirls of glittering light spiraled around Arin’s limbs and body as the fur began to fade from his body. Miraculously, Arin’s beastly form was morphing back to what it truly was - a robustly built, chestnut-haired, handsome human man. 

The now-human Arin collapsed to the floor, breathing hard, then got to his feet, a little unsteady. With excitement, he unfolded his fleshy fingers in front of his eyes, observing his hand, then turned to face Dan, his long hair flowing in the wind.

“Dan…” Arin’s pretty human face smiled. “It’s me. Arin.”

A little skeptical and shocked, Dan stepped towards Arin with slight hesitation. Once they were a few inches apart, Dan tucked a strand of Arin’s hair behind his ear. Dan gazed into Arin’s eyes. They were the same soft, very alive brown eyes.

“Arin!" Dan cried joyfully with a smile.

Arin matched Dan’s smile and took Dan’s face in his hands. Dan’s eyes fluttered shut, and their lips met. It felt like fireworks and tasted like fresh rain.

* * *

 

The next day, Arin and Dan were married in the castle. Brian was invited, and he could be caught checking out the now-human Holly. Human Kevin was laughing with human Barry and human Suzy, and human Jack was fixing his mustache… a lot. For no reason.

Arin and Dan looked into each other’s eyes as they danced at the reception. They smiled at each other.

“I love you, Arin.”

“And I love you, Dan.”

And they lived happily ever after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was that good? Was it boring? Hmmm... I hope you guys enjoyed! Does anyone have any ideas on the next chapter I should write? I want Arin and Dan to take turns being the princess (I'm saving Snow White for Dan) so if there's a princess or other female fairy tale character you'd like to see Arin as, let me know. Also let me know if you need a beta reader, because I wouldn't mind! Okay, I'm done talking. Farewell my darlings! (Was that a weird thing to say? Is 'darlings' okay?)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I had a ton of fun writing this one and I hope the others will be just as much of a blast to create! Stay tuned for future chapters!


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